O’Bama Smuggles Baby into Bar

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Rise and shine, DC! We’re in for another glorious (if potentially overcast) Monday. Here’s what’s trending around the DMV this morning…

Capital Bikeshare: Just in time for the Cherry Blossom Festival, Capital Bikeshare unveiled the first two of its five planned bike stations on the Mall Friday morning. Park Police are kindly asking Bikeshare users to refrain from asking pedestrians if they’d like a ride or risk being tasered.

O’Bama: President Obama made a surprise 30-minute visit to the Dubliner Saturday night to down a pint of Guinness and toast to St. Patrick’s Day. As soon as the commander-in-chief entered, throngs of revelers started chanting “USA! USA!” before a drunk woman asked Barack to sign her face.

National Mall: To celebrate the greenest holiday, the Washington Examiner reports that Mr. Obama showed up at the Dubliner wearing a pale green jacket bearing the slogan, “National Parks, America’s Best Idea.” To their end, the NPS kept with the spirit of the greenest holiday by digging up most all of the grass along the National Mall and dying the newly raised dirt and concrete Emerald Isle Green.

Hoya Saxa? The third-seeded Georgetown Hoyas were upset by the 11th-ranked NC State Wolfpack yesterday—marking the fourth-straight year the Hoyas have been upset by a double-digit-seeded team. University officials claim the season-ending loss had little to do with Jack the Bulldog’s season-ending injury several days earlier.

Harlem Globetrotters: The Washington Post reports that a member of the Harlem Globetrotters named Herbert “Flight Time” Lang is going to dribble and spin a basketball from Arlington Cemetery 1.2 miles to the Lincoln Memorial today at 1 p.m. The publicity stunt is aimed at drumming up enthusiasm for the team’s upcoming three-game stint at the Verizon Center. Coincidentally, Flight Time and his teammate, “Big Easy” Lofton, have been contestants on The Amazing Race (twice), and Flight Time has also been on The Price is Right, The Bachelorette, Hell’s Kitchen, and Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?

Ernest Hemingway: Before he became synonymous with arm wrestling bears and downing magnums of Champagne, Ernest Hemingway was fragile, insecure, and neurotic, writes Slate.

Kony 2012: Disappointed that none of these headlines were used to report the story of how Kony 2012 star and father of a five-year-old, Jason Russell, was found drunk, possibly coked out of his gourd, and masturbating in public after he had allegedly vandalized cars: “U Gone, Duh”, “Phony 2012,” and ” You Wish You Were An Invisible Child.”