Cowboys Fans: Please Read This

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-Well, it happened: Despite playing with one wide receiver, a center who may or may not have ever played football before, and an offensive line that failed to block its way into the end zone for a single touchdown, the Dallas Cowboys managed to kick their way past the Skins last night 18-16. What this means, of course, is that we’ll now have to listen to brain-dead idiots who have never stepped foot in Texas tell us about how immensely superior their sports team is to our sports team. As Washingtonians, here are three responses you should feel free to use:

1) Smile, and remind these misguided individuals that you cannot give yourself a nickname. Instead of “America’s Team,” try “Dallas’s Team.”

2) If, by chance, said morons are, in fact, from the Lone Star State, please sympathize with the fact that they hail from a scorched, smog-filled wasteland where the only thing that seems to grow are cactuses and concrete. Actually, that’s not entirely true: When not producing suburban sprawl, Texas has managed to produce George W. Bush, Rick Perry, a horrid immigration policy, and a population that loudly applauds killing people. But, coming from a place where COPS dominates the Saturday night marketshare and that has some of the loosest gun laws on the planet, that makes perfect sense.

3) If responses 1 and 2 still seem to not get through (Note: This is extremely likely, as Cowboys fans’ egos are typically so enormous and obnoxious, that there’s room for nothing else between their ears—exhibit A: Dez Bryant.), please kindly remind them that they have won one playoff game in the past 15 years.

-The man alleged to have fired shots at the Pentagon several months ago has tried to dig his way out of the jail cell where he’s being held in Loudoun County. Officials have yet to release much information surrounding the incident, but all we know at this point is that the inmate, Yonathan Melaku of Alexandria, exchanged several packs of cigarettes for a small rock axe with his friend Red, put up an oversized poster of Rita Hayworth, and then busily chipped away at the cell’s walls for several decades at night when not crunching tax returns for prison guards by day.

-The Washington Post reports that DC has the worst traffic in the country, with commuters spending an average of three days a year trapped in their cars during rush hour.

-In, ahem, wake of last month’s #ShakeWeight2k11 officials report that damage to the Washington Monument will cause the iconic structure to remain closed indefinitely. Yesterday, the National Park Service released this video showing what the inside of the monument looked like as the earthquake shook it.